Behhold, I am a Black Goat’s Bride!
Behold, I am a wife!
Behold, I bear a breast to feed
The one whose tongue’s a knife!
Behold, I bear a breast that bleeds
The very stuff of life!
Take me, Dionysus!
Make me the Black Goat wife!
Of all the gods I honor, the one with whom I have a relationship that most resembles “religion” is Dionysus. I make and drink wine in his name. I study his lore, both ancient and modern, and I study the history of his worship. I ask nothing of him except that which is his nature to offer: the ecstasy of wine and mystery, freedom from bonds and oppression, healing from the wounds of madness, to come when I call, and to move through me into others. Perhaps, some day, I will scribe my own golden tablet with which to be burried.
Through the years, the relationship has been more and less regular, more and less formal, more and less intense. I was not, as I have said before, raised with anything that could legitimately be considered religion, just the cultural malaise of compulsory Christianity – much like and interwoven with compulsory heterosexuality – which is to say, a form of rigid social and thought control, but without meaningful ritual or any attempt to connect to divinity. So “worship” in any sense of the term has always been fraught and confusing, at best, and, at worst, alien and threatening. This has always been compounded by the fact that so many of the Dionysiacs I have known in person, especially early in my experience of Paganism, are less devoted mystics and more illiterate alchololics. So I have found my way in the darkness, more by luck than skill, and I remain ever insecure in that first, formative devotion.
I first encountered the Black Goat Bride ritual at Paganicon, 2018. It was led by Jack Grayle, now of Hekataeon fame, then just an exceptionally charismatic ritualist who managed to take seventy-odd people in a hotel ball room down to the underworld, where we retrieved a dead god and returned, with little more than the sound of his voice and a consecrated goat skull. It was, hands down, the best public ritual my partner and I had ever participated in, possibly including the best we had ever led. In the weeks after the festival, I wrote to Jack and asked for a copy of the script, so that we could introduce it to our working group.
The ritual has several stages. It begins with an invocation of Hekate, who will lead the initiates to the underworld where they will find the corpse of Dionysos. The next phase is a procession to the underworld, and the casket where the goat skull symbolizing the body of Dionysus awaits. The ritualists then mourn the death of Dionysus – he dies in several myths, most famously as a child dismembered by the giants, and every time grapes are crushed into wine (I apologize that I can’t find an easy-read citation for either of those) – and wail their grief out loud. Then an invocation is performed, which was very clearly inspired by a great deal of work with the Greek Magical Papyri, though I can’t point to any specific ritual. The god rises, the goat skull is freed from its casket, and the ritualists rejoice and dance – laughing and howling and ululating. When they have worked themselves into a frenzy, the dance ends and recite the chant at the top of this post while the goat skull is passed around the circle like a suckling babe. When all have fed the god, it is placed upon the altar and participants may worship individually at the altar, and if one is moved to act as oracle, they may do so.
It took us longer than it should have to source a skull and have money at the same time, and then the plague came, and it worked out that we were not able to stage the ritual for our crew until Beltane 2021. I led the ritual. My compatriots danced and cried around me. We raised Dionysus from the dead, and danced in his honor. My partner, Aradia, took the role of oracle. And, when it was done, I was possessed by the god for the first time in my fifteen-odd-years of worship. The difference was obvious to everyone. I moved differently. I talked differently. I could not participate in basic things like making dinner. And when we had all eaten, I became contagious: spreading the presence of the god to each of my compatriots as they worked up the courage to meet my eyes. And then, eventually, the god left me and I collapsed.
I thought about writing this up, then, but …. other things happened, and the writing didn’t.
We performed the ritual again at Samhain. That night, my partner Aradia led and one of our compatriots (for whom, if I have ever had a clever pseudonym, I have forgotten it) played the oracle. That night we were camped in a different location, and there was some asshole driving laps around our camp site. Perhaps because of the outside interference, perhaps because of the season, the mourning seemed to be the focus of the ritual, and rather than the revelry. The mood afterward was subdued. I had a quiet meltdown, and went to bed before everyone else.
I thought about writing up the ritual again, but the words stuck in my throat – so to speak – and the first paragraph of this post lingered in my drafts for six months.
We performed the ritual again this Beltane. Alvianna took point leading the ritual, and Kraken sat as oracle. Building on our experiences from previous years, and because Alvianna in particular likes exceptionally long rituals, she added two preparatory sections to the overall ritual – a Hermes Crossroads rite, and the Sensibus rite from the Hekataeon (pp.36-41 of the first edition).
I have been … feeling and seeing signs that there are big changes coming in my life, and that I need to make big changes to my practice. I had hoped that I might have some experience this weekend that might clarify that sense, even point me in a direction. Leading into the Dionysus ritual, I was feeling powerful and connected and ready to call the god and revel in his presence and perhaps have a vision. But when it came time to mourn, I could not make a sound. I felt the pain and the grief, but I could not make myself cry. All the built up power and impending ecstasy … just fell away. I found a little bit of it back as the ritual continued. But when the revel ended, and everyone else was yipping and howling an ululating … once more my voice caught in my throat, and I was stuck. I ended the ritual feeling lost and confused.
Kneeling at the altar after the ritual, I could feel the god – present but aloof. I can’t put into words what I asked, or what was answered. Only that, as I knelt there, I felt the presence of not just the god, but his panther, who circled and then came up behind me, a comforting weight.
Afterward, though, the sky was as clear and beautiful as the last year, and the Great Bear constellation hung in the sky directly over our camp, framed by the trees. Given my experiences with the Great Bear on my 2019 desert road trip with Aradia, and the Great Bear rituals that our crew have done since, I was inclined to take that as a powerfully good omen. Which I needed, because the answers I got from the oracle were not as clear or helpful as I hoped they would be.
The ritual did not go as well for me, personally, as it has in the past. I am still glad that we did it, and that everyone else in the Lunar Shenanigans crew is as excited to include it in our small but slowly growing ritual calendar. Dionysus calls to me. He has called to me, probably, since before I first decided that I was willing to fuck with gods. This ritual speaks to me. I like that this ritual is so somatic, so all-in. I like that it has room for drunken revelry, but that it speaks first to the uncanny, disturbing, cthonic aspects of Dionysus and his worship. You cannot suckle a goat skull at your breast and pretend that what you’re doing is just like church.
For those curious, the goat skull is back in its place on my public altar, draped in its shroud. When I am keeping up with my own lunar practice (distinct from the work I do with the Lunar Shenanigans pseudocoven), it gets a candle and a wine offering at the full and dark moon. Otherwise it waits patiently for its next resurrection.
For myself, I am back in the world, sitting with a mystic’s visions – both my own and the oracle’s – and with this month’s divination, New Moon and new month uncomfortably simultaneous, and try to see the road forward. Whatever’s coming, it’s weirder than what came before.
And I am the Black Goat’s bride.
If Jack Grayle has published the full text of this ritual anywhere, I am not aware of it. I hope that he does, some day. I do not have permission to share it. If you want the full text, I encourage you to reach out to him from his website.