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I don’t link to her often, but Deborah Castellano is fucking brilliant.  She has, in a sense, said to the magical community: “You can fucking do it.  I dare you.”  And rightly so.  Sometimes our armchairs are too cozy, our libations too tasty, and the Work too … well, hard.  And we lose track of what we can accomplish if we set our minds to it.

In a sense, I have already set myself to something like this.  In a sense, I have already stumbled.  But the great thing about cyclical time is that I can have as many New Years as I want.  So I’m in.  I’m going to double-down.  I’m going to refine my intent.

Here’s what I’m going to do:

* I’m going to continue my experimental forays into Western Ceremonialism, though I’m going to throw the time table out the window.  The subject is just too big for any year-and-a-day bullshit.

* I’m going to dive back into the witchcraft that’s gotten me this far.  I’m going to dig into my old notes and try to find all the wild and crazy shit that I knew to do but not what to do with back before I blew my fuse.

* I’m going to push the boundaries of my art-as-magic thesis and praxis.  That means more wild, wacky, and surreal images.  More speculations as to what sort of magic I can accomplish through art alone.

* I’m going to resume the shamanic aspects of my practice, which have been falling on the wayside under the pressure of my ceremonial and academic studies.  This may seem strange to some people, but … I miss the Underworld.

* I’m going to pick back up my formal Book of Shadows project—better known to my meatspace friends than you year readers—and I’m going to restart it from scratch.  I’ve spent a lot of time on that project over the last couple years, and if it’s taught me nothing else it’s that I’m still laboring under a whole lot of bullshit pretense.

* I’m going to see what I can do about that bullshit pretense.  Please bear with me through the painful and embarrassing parts of that process.

* And, finally, I’m going to do all these things SOMEHOW without letting my GPA suffer.

Balls to the wall, y’all.

New Year, New Me.

Earlier today I happened to check the blog from a computer not my own.  It turns out that the Attic Greek font I’ve been using doesn’t embed.

For those of you out there who would like a free, legit Attic Greek font, I offer you SPIonic (and a few others besides).

Now, back to trying to find one that will actually embed itself in the post so I don’t have to count on you having anything special on your computer.

I’m going to start experimenting with a new, 3-column layout.  If the site is wonky at some point over the next few days, blame that.

For the last several years I have performed or received a massive Tarot reading whose purpose is to give me some idea how the coming year will pan out.  This year’s reading is … less auspicious than those previous.

Two years ago, this annual divination was part of what gave me the courage to leave my mall bench in favor of full-time school.  Last year, it gave some indication of how my transitionary process would go.

This year … well, it looks like I’ve got some rough times up ahead.  My annual reading consists of two parts: an inner circle laid out with the Crowley-Harris Thoth deck in a slightly modified version of the Twelve Houses spread, giving me a thematic view of the year; and an outer circle laid out with the Robin Wood deck, giving me a chronological view.

THEMATIC VIEW

1^st House – general outlook – 10 Wands “Oppression” – fix with IX the Hermit

10W—Blocked development, problems with authority, fear of life, “straightjacket”. Encourages recognizing one’s limitations and acting responsibly. Warns against demonstrations of power, intolerance, and suppressed aggressions.

IX—Contemplating what is essential, defining one’s position, seclusion, seriousness, retreat, getting to the bottom of things, life experience. Encourages letting something mature, taking oneself seriously. Warns against embitterment, cranky solitary ways, unworldliness. As card for the year: advises using the coming phase to think about life and what one wants out of it. Periods of retreat and isolation may be necessary and even for the good, but one should do so in moderation.

This is not a good way to view the world. I’m going to feel like I’m being blocked by the cock of the universe, and the worst possible reaction is going to be to start flailing my own cock around in response. The Hermit clarifies what 10W encourages: keep my zen, take these struggles as lessons, and maintain a proper balance between my inner and outer worlds.

2^nd House – finances & communication – XV the Devil

Shadows, instinctiveness, lack of moderation, greed, thirst for temptation, unconscious forces. Prohibited activities, exploitation, intrigues & shady dealings. Encourages bringing light into darkness. Warns against the destructiveness of natural drives which have been suppressed.

This card in this place speaks less about circumstances and more about decisions. I’m going to be strongly tempted to either make very foolish decisions with my money … or possibly to do very bad things to get my hands on more. Given my ceremonial experiments and some of the other things that have been going on in my life, I think that the latter is much more likely that it would have been a year ago.

Hexes? Love philters? Evicting relatively harmless ghosts? Can’t say I won’t ever be tempted to do these things. Money is only a tool, but it’s a damn handy one at times.

3^rd House – daily experiences & immediate influences – 8 Cups “Indolence” – fix with VII Adjustment

8C—Weakness, broken hopes, disheartenment, resignation, necessity of changing one’s ways, stagnation, depression. Recognizing personal responsibility. Encourages leaving the disastrous morass. Warns against clinging to what has decayed or starting something with no prospects of success.

VII—Objectivity, clarity, balance, justice, karma, sober perception, personal responsibility, self-criticism. Recognizing personal responsibility. Encourages viewing things objectively and soberly as well as recognizing one’s personal responsibility in it. Warns against becoming unable to act after too much careful consideration.

You’ll notice a repeated phrase between these cards: “personal responsibility”. And both cards connect solidly with the undying theme of the House: immediate influence and experiences. These things tell me that the key to surviving the coming year is to keep my perspective and to never blame my situation—or, at least, to be deeply skeptical of seeking solutions—outside of myself.

4^th House – home-place & family – 2 Wands “Dominion”

Eagerness to fight, courage, willingness to take risks, willpower, becoming inflamed about something, spontaneous assertion, violent forging ahead, inconsideration. Encourages risking something, asserting something, conquering something. Warns against inconsiderate aggressiveness, destructive actions, and hollow demonstrations of power.

This is my second warning against “demonstrations of power”, and that makes me nervous.

5^th House – fun & pleasure – X Fortune

Changes, shift, new beginnings, happiness, fateful events, task in life. Encourages recognizing one’s destiny and shaping as the task in life. Warns against fatalistic resignation.

Not really sure how to process this card in this House, unless one interprets “fun” as “lover(s)”, in which case it’s still a little out-of-place.

6^th House – work, illness, & duty – XIV Art

Finding the right proportions. balance of powers, harmony, relaxation, overcoming differences, healing. Resolving conflicts, joyful and productive teamwork, making progress, dissolving contradictions and resistance, finding the balance between work and leisure time. Encourages giving one’s best to overcome contradictions or differences. Warns against underestimating the difficulty of a plan or the depths of a problem. As card of the year: “This is the year of the great work…”

Given that my greatest problem so far this year has been achieving a balance between various passions and obligations, I find it no surprise that it will be a major feature of next year as well. School, sleep, socialization, magic, working for money … I’m struggling to juggle all these things, and it’s already overwhelming. I either need to get a whole lot better at juggling, or start giving things up.

7^th House – partnership – 3 Swords “Sorrow” – fix with XI Lust

3S—Bad news, disappointment, weakness, sorrow, helplessness, chaos, disillusionment, renunciation, loss. Pangs of love, fear of loss, injuries, end of relationship, failed hope. Encourages opening up to an unwelcome but totally necessary insight. Warns against wishful thinking that inevitably leads to disappointment.

XI—Courage, vitality, love of life, strength, passion, intrepidity. Powerful relationship, passionate connection, fascination, sexual debauchery, excess. Encourages passionate devotion to a person, a task, an experience. Warns against just following the pleasure principle and trampling on other people’s feelings.

“Sorrow” isn’t quite the worst card one can get in the 7^th House, but it’s definitely one whose meaning is relatively easy to interpret. For those who work exclusively with Crowley: the 3S in more traditional (Waite-Smith) decks is an image of a heart pierced by three swords. There’s actually a lot going on with the three of swords, but particularly in terms of romance … well, long story short: heartbreak and drama. Given the realities of my situation – nine or ten years older than most of my peers, the nymph who’s been keeping me company so far graduating in May, and the strangely fragile and puritanical/performative nature of the sexual culture on campus, among so many other things (and as I write this paragraph I realize that I’ve started writing some of my personal journal entries with an eye to posting them on this blog) – this is hardly a surprise.

What is surprising is the solution. Fix the 3 of Swords with XI Lust? Is that best read as “power through”? Share the love? Fuck ’em ALL? I think that only time will tell, but I’m pretty good at Lusting, so I suspect that I’ll pull through better than most.

8^th House – hidden, taboo, & crisis – Knight of Disks

Firmness, sobriety, persuasiveness, stable values, reliability, straightforwardness; mature, sensual man; relist pragmatist, guarantee of security. Encourages enjoying what has been achieved and using one’s means and possibilities in a responsible manner. Warns against stubbornness and meaningless hoarding.

Again the theme of “responsibility”. And here in crisis, too. Hrmmmmm.

9^th House – higher perception – XVI the Tower

Sudden perception, upheaval, breakthrough, liberation, blow of fate. Recognizing fixed ideas and exploding old concepts that have become too constrictive. Encourages going beyond a framework that is too narrow. Warns against incalculable risks and dangers that radical upheaval brings with it. As card for the year, this may be the year of liberation. Take the risks.

No surprise here. I will be progressing and eventually completing my year of studying ceremonial magic over the course of the coming year, and if that doesn’t culminate in a Tower I haven’t actually done the work.

10^th House – recognition & career – Princess of Swords

Young, intellectual woman; female rebel who is nimble minded and knowledgeable; esprit, clarity, mental renewal, provocation, restlessness, quarrelsome nature. Conflicts at work, battle for position, clarifying conflict, rebellion. Encourages cooly and decisively clarifying a situation. Wars against “head wind” attacks and sharp-tongued criticism.

Does this card speak of me or of someone I’m going to have to deal with? Both, probably. As a Prince of Cups Scorpio, I have the capacity to manifest a lot of the qualities of swords court – particularly some of their more negative aspects.

11^th House – friendships – Queen of Disks

Fertility, sense of security, sensuality, serenity, endurance; a mature, experienced woman; being calm, stable, patient, trustworthy. Trusting each other, perseverance, mature relationship, loyalty, starting a family, sense of security. Encourages dedicating oneself to concrete tasks with endurance and patience. Warns against meaningless drudgery and unimaginative striving for possessions.

Given the placement, I am inclined to take this Queen as a person I need to look out for. Someone I need to impress.

12^th House – secrets & fears – Ace of Wands

Hopeful new beginning, initiative, willpower, decisiveness, electrifying idea, surge of creativity, opportunity for self-development, becoming inflamed about something. Encourages initiative and decisive progress. Warns against hotheadedness, impatience, and arrogance.

Of course I want these things. Who doesn’t?

Underlying Theme = 10 Swords “Ruin”

The “underlying theme” of my readings – the bottom card of the deck – is often the least reliable part of the readings. But I continue to make use of it because when it does mean something, it is often very helpful.

Here it appears to be reiterating a theme found in several of the other cards: be careful what you think you know. My preconceived notions are going to be a source of trouble in the coming year, and if I can’t balance or explode them, they could lead to ruin.

+2 = Princess of Wands X Knight of Swords

PrsW–

KnSw–

More people. I don’t know what to do with this yet.

The final night of my lunar rites was simple, relatively speaking.  My heavy work had already been done.  All that remained was to give thanks and contemplate the work that had been done.  I cast the circle simply: tuning quietly to the four elements.  I poured libations to all my gods, took a few moments to charge all my tools, and descended to my Inner Temple.

I walked around entire perimeter, and when I made it full circle, a door opened between the giant Kouros and Cycladies inside the front gate of my temple.  I descended through a straight, dark tunnel to a square, grey stone underground chamber that hadn’t been there before.

There was a silver circle inscribed in the floor.  I stood  in the center of the circle and felt myself filled with the purple light from my instruction with Rhea.  I pulled out the orb she gave me and poured that light into it, then placed the orb in a recess that opened for it in the wall opposite the stairs.

The Full Mon’s Work done at last, I ascended the stairs and returned to my body.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with that sphere, but I suspect there are other tokens waiting for me.

The worst thing about an ambitious daily practice and escalating experimental regimen, from my perspective as a part-time writer and full-time student, is that there is way more going on than I can keep track of.

I’ve been experimenting with alternatives to the Q-Cross and LBRP.  These experiments have been very successful, both in terms of aura-cleansing and space-cleansing, and in terms of not fucking up magical body so bad that saturiao is the last of my concerns.  As such, I have completed my month studying Malkuth

Wand-Maker Moon has just passed, and with it three consecutive days of ritual.  My Full Moon Rites were … productive, but I still haven’t finished sorting it all out.  Also, this month looks like its gonna be a doozy.

I have just constructed my Yesod altar for the next stage of my ceremonial studies, which I intend to spend the next six weeks on.

Meanwhile, the Occupy Wallstreet protests are escalating, and it vexes me sorely that I can’t be there.  I’m trying to figure out some magic I can do to further the anti-corporate and anti-capitalist goals of the movement, but I’m just not quite there yet in my studies of doing-things-here-in-the-mortal-world magic.

And I still haven’t gotten a chance to meditate on the Secret Sun series on re-enchantment, or Gordon’s rant on the tactics of practical magic, or any of the other fascinating things that have gone on in the corners of the magical blogosphere which I frequent over the last month or so.

Thing have gotten so frantic that even my personal journals are somewhat ashambles … again.

Fear not.  I dance on, and further tales of my exploits and mishaps shall be forthcoming.

After several weeks of silence, some of my favorite magical bloggers are spewing forth brilliance again.  Combined with my own experiments, this is getting me thinking about a lot.  In the coming weeks, then, you can expect lots of posts with links which will be increasingly out-of-date, as I don’t generally like to post more than once a day and I often like to spend several days thinking about big things.  (Today’s blog-spoo of meta-posts not withstanding.)

A few links you should read and which I will come back to:

RO and Jason and Deb and Jow all wax poetic about a magicial convention that I would love to attend sooner rather than later.

Gordon at Rune Soup talks about his magical strategies and experiences in ways that I think every newbie – and quite a few more experienced magicians – need to hear.  He also has some really good things to say on the pursuit of enlightenment.  He also directed me to a very shiny new blog AND a link to an older post of his that will be the source of many thinky-thoughts: in short, he attempts to establish a line between ethical syncretism and cultural appropriation.  It seems solid to me, but I wonder what Adrienne K. – or another professional border guard of that distinction – would think of it?

Also in the next several days, I’m going to switch from the traditional LBRP to a Neo-Pagan variant, and be reporting how that goes along with my first experiments with holy water.

Over 240 hits two months in a row.  Almost 1700 pageviews altogether.  Holy shit.  Folks from all over the world. 
Some of you may be robots.  Do real people come from adf.ly or pu.gg?  I suspect not.
Few comments, so I don’t know how much good I’m doing.  I hope I’m doing good.  I hope this journal is useful.  Egotistical maniac though I am, I’m not doing this just for my personal gratification.  These stories, these techniques and speculations … I would have loved to have access to other people’s madness when I was a wee fuzzy faun: it would have helped me understand that I wasn’t crazy.  Or not that kind of crazy, anyway.
My mead recipes and Samhain altar remain the most popular posts.  Little surprise there.  That’s some of the good stuff.
Don’t be shy.  Feel free to ask questions.  Feel free to tell me I’m talking out my ass.
How else can anyone learn?

Earlier this month, Frater SEA posited a question: what have you sacrificed for magic?  It’s an important question for one to ask oneself, particularly for me as I begin escalating my practice with some thoughts of going semi-pro.  As such, I’ve spent a lot of the last ten days contemplating it.

My initial reaction was somewhat pithy: I’ve given up the ability to relate intimately with people who don’t practice – or at very least believe in – magic.  And there is definitely some truth to this.  So much of my life revolves around my ritual devotion and magical work.  All my hobbies take a back seat to it, where they don’t feed into it.  I plan social engagements around the Sabats and Esbats.  I chose my major, in part, to make me a better servant of my gods and my community.  The reasons I do things frequently revolve around psychic impressions, and I will inevitably be subjected to any number ritual taboos – only Apollo has demanded such of me so far, but others will in time.  But these things are only true up to a point.  If I were better at the admonition to Keep Silent, I could dissemble about my obligations and motivations.  If I were more willing to shield myself tightly, I would be less vulnerable to psychic storms and sickly auras.  And yet, even as I pose these arguments, what I hear is “If only I weren’t so obviously queer, straight people would like me better.”

There are other obvious answers: I’ve sacrificed a great deal of money on books and ritual supplies; a great deal of time, energy, and money on moving those books and ritual supplies from one location to another.  A bit of blood, a lot of sleep, my self-image more times than I can count.

But as I contemplate it, what seems to me like the thing which people treasure most that magical practice forces you to give up is the ability to pretend that actions don’t have consequences.

I’m not talking in the dangerous, white-light, The Secret, think-positive-or-all-your-suffering-is-your-own-damn-fault kind of actions:consequences relationship.  I’m talking about interconnectivity – the idea/reality that everything is fundamentally connected, that nothing can act (or not act, or even exist) without influencing things around it.  The idea that you can be involved in tainted rituals (Jack Faust again, because he makes the point so elegantly) without yourself becoming tainted is absurd.  In feminism and other leftist intellectual outposts, this idea is called intersectionality, but I learned it first in magic.

I can’t pretend that invoking sexist tropes doesn’t reinforce sexist ideas in both my own mind and in the world around me.  I can’t pretend that attending a ritual celebration (a dance, for instance, or a frat party) of something I oppose doesn’t make that thing stronger by lending it a seeming of credibility.  If I break an oath, my oath is less valuable – in this world or the Other.

I also can’t pretend that I’ll always be able to see the chain of events that link actions and consequences.  I can’t know the results of a kindness or a cruelty, a favor or a snub or even a mere absence, three or four exchanges down the line.  I can’t pretend that I’m the beginning or the end of a chain.  I can only work to improve myself and the world around me and hope it spreads, and returns.

Everyting is connected.  Actions have consequences.  I can’t pretend otherwise.