Journey Through The Obsidian Dream

How could I forget how toxic the mall is?  The miasma of capitalist nihilism.  The poisonous classism of the upper-middle class against the working-class goons who sell them their gewgaws.  The screaming children.  The way the mall security stares askance at any person of color.  The suspicious predominance of Spanish-speakers in the janitorial staff.  The crushing desperation of so many of the workers.  That shit is living death.  How did I forget?

It is, after all, one of the major reasons I quit that job in the first place.

I’ve grown un-accustomed to living my life with heavy shielding.  I like being open, clued in, with one hand on the heartbeat of the world. It’s not safe to be that way in the mall.  It’s like being a plague doctor with an immune disorder: you’re tempting Death.

I work in two different kiosks for the company, in two different malls.  The smaller, less prosperous of the malls is easier to manage: I picked out a set of four matching steel rings and borrowed “modeled” them all day, using them to regulate my in/out like a gas masks.  It worked fine, with minimal effort. 

The larger of the two malls, however, was more of a problem: more prosperous, with a more “affluent” (higher pre-tax income, overextended on debts and a lifestyle they can’t pay in the post-crash economy) and psychically toxic clientele, more in need of free therapy in the form of abusing retail employees and jewelry to reinforce their crumbling middle-class racial and gender identities.  Keeping that space clear enough for me to work without setting anyone on fire required a daily application of a pentagram banishing rite.  Yeah, that’s right, I had to go back to a banishing rite. I hate banishing; I would much rather invoke, conjure, or tune.  And it worked.  Barely.

I’ve made it through, now.  Tuesday was my last shift until I need to work over my next break.  And don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to them for giving me the opportunity to make rent.  I love having a roof over my head.  But I need to find a new source of greenbacks: one where I’m not selling and fixing slave-made baubles for petty asshats.

Several months ago I had an experience in the underworld that made afraid to go back.  A slightly longer version of the story goes like this. 

As you all know, my experiments in ceremonial magic have been framed by Christopher Penczak’s Temple of High Witchcraft.  His exploration of Malkuth begins with a journey to the Elemental Realm of Earth in order to make a contact there, followed by a quest to the Queen of Malkuth to petition for one’s “Stone of Sovereignty”.

My Earth-guide did not appear to me clearly at first.  It was a shadowed figure.  My first “glimpses” were of a muscled arm and ass.  When she did reveal herself completely, it was as a hulking, horned figure about three times my size.  Since she disdained to give me a name, I dubbed her the “Troll Lady” (much to her amusement).  She accompanied me through my initial explorations of the Elemental Realm of Earth, and to the Garden of Malkuth on two occasions—though, interestingly, it was the leopard of Dionysus who led me through the Garden to the Queen.  It was Rhea who appeared to me as the Queen of Malkuth, and at the end of a series of exchanges over several journeys she gave me a purple orb. 

In order to complete my “initiation” of Malkuth, the Troll Lady led me deeper into the underworld, past a brazen wall and gate, to a circle of shadowy male figures who told me that the purple orb was not the Stone of Sovereignty.  The Troll Lady then led me back to the Garden of Malkuth and made a demand of me that I’m still not certain how to process—one which made one of my other spirit-allies jealous.  The whole experience unnerved me, and although I subsequently drummed Sannafrid down to the Underworld on at least one occasion, I did not myself descend until this most recent Dark Moon.

It was suggested to me that I do some divination before hand to attempt to get a handle on the situation.  Although this is not a sort of divination I often do—usually using it more as a sort of “sonar” than to get specific answers—I gave it a try.  The results were largely unclear, except that I did need to deal with it and now was the time.  There was also some indication that the Troll Lady and I had some unfinished business, perhaps from a past life.  Perhaps one of my lovely readers might have some insight:

What sort of spirit is the Troll Lady?  9 Wands, 5 Swords, X Fortune.  Reask = 6 Disks.

What does the Troll Lady want from me?  V the Emperor, XX the Aeon, 7 Cups.

What will the outcome be of my working with the Troll Lady?  XIII Death, 3 Disks, 0 the fool.

What will the outcome be for me?  2 Disks, VII the Chariot, XVII the Star.

Beyond this I knew only that things would play out best if I sought out both the spirits involved in the conflict.  With this in mind, Aradia and I cast a circle and, with her serving as an anchor in case things went sour, I descended to the underworld in search of a spirit who could help mediate the situation.

I found myself beside a river, which I decided to follow upstream for some time before realizing that I was supposed to be in the river.  Jumping into the water, I was quickly swept downstream.  Completely submerged, I met a water-nymph who agreed to mediate for me.  We travelled down the river and across an ocean, finally emerging at the shore of a mountainous island.  Given the nature of the conflict, I was somewhat concerned (to my embarrassment and the nymph’s amusement) about enlisting the aid of yet another “female” spirit, so when we emerged from the water she took the form of a muscular old man before leading me up the mountain.

At the top of the mountain was a stone table where Tsu and the Troll Lady were waiting for us.  Neither were entirely pleased with the situation, but they weren’t hostile, either.  They’re also flickering in and out, like an unclear signal.  I try to “summon” them by their names, and that helps, but not much.

Trying to get things on the right foot, I start by re-introducing myself formally to all involved.  I already know Tsu’s name—I gave it to her, after all—and the Troll Lady gave me a name that I couldn’t comprehend.  The new spirit introduced him/herself as Thetis, at which point everything started spinning: the four of us were semi-stable around the table, but the entire universe seemed to be caught in a counter-clockwise maelstrom around us. 

I tried to hold on, but I ultimately failed, and we were all sucked into a vortex.  Interestingly, this seemed to break all the tension:  “See,” I told them, “I have no idea what I’m doing.  I need all the help I can get.”

We eventually swirled our way back to the stone table, where I apologized to all involved for the drama and thanked all involved for their aid and company.  The Troll Lady gave me a sigil, which I only received in part.

Exhausted, I returned to my body.  Below is a sketch of the Troll Lady and the partial sigil.  Click, as they say, to embiggen.

When I did my annual reading, the card for Capricorn was the 5 of Cups, which I am supposed to fix with the 10 of Coins.

This may be relatively straightforward.  The 5 of Cups speaks of decisions which you regret.  The 10 of Coins speaks of enjoying what you have.  I have made decisions leading into this month that I am not entirely pleased with—tactical decisions, largely; the way I’ve dealt with certain issues.  But not getting what I wanted isn’t quite the same as things actually going wrong.

Over the course of the next month, I need to focus on appreciating the things I have.

This seems doubly true because, looking at the spread below—my reading for the coming lunar month, reset to the Dark Moon as I discussed before—I might not have it all come Aquarius.

Before getting into the gritty details, several things stand out clearly: only two Major Arcana appear in the main spread; I have laid out nearly every court card; there are a number of repeating themes from last month.

10 Swords was, in fact, my card for the month of Sagitarius and the card in the 9th House of my last Moon-reading, making it likely that some of the fallout of those “closures” are involved in its reappearance in the 2nd House this month.  I haven’t seen the 7 of Disks since October, when it appeared in my 4th House—all four 7s appeared that month.

The two Majors which appear are IX the Hermit in my 4th House and XX the Aeon in my 10th House, indicating that I will be focused very much on myself, my home-space, and my work … possibly to the exclusion of the actual humans in my life.  (Sorry in advance for that, y’all.)

 

1^st House – Self, Viewpoint – Basic view, and the lense through which the other cards are viewed and experienced.

7 Disks “Failure” == Prince of Cups; fix w/ Queen of Swords

Destroyed hope, bad circumstances, bad luck, unhappiness. Insights into transience and threats.

Romantic man, seducer, charmer, warm personality. Expression of feeling.

Wealth of ideas, presence of mind. Freedom from dependencies. Encourages clear reasoning and decisive action.

Something has gone wrong. I would guess that “something” is probably me.

I need to approach something from a new angle. I need to free myself of some bond, and do so decisively.

2^nd House – Finances, Income – communication, values, self-worth, desires

10 Swords “Ruin”==XIV the Tower; fix w/ 2 D “Change”

Random end, making a clean sweep, destructive energies, putting a stop to something. Breaking off a professional project. Out-of-control ideas. Paradigmatic collapse.

Shadows, instinctiveness, greed, thirst for power, temptation. Prohibited activities, corruption.

Change, flexible exchange, mutual fructification, variety. Restructuring. Changes within a relationship. Uncommitted flirt. Encourages paying attention to the opposite polarity.

The most obvious interpretations of this placement are either that my financial situation is going to be fucked – which is unlikely, given my circumstances – or that I’m going to have some major drama about my money. These may also be true, but I think that this actually elaborates on the “something wrong” in the First House.

I am failing to communicate, I am loosing touch with my values and out of touch with my desires, and it’s bringing things down around my ears. I fix this by changing my approach – by communication and negotiation.

3^rd House – Daily Experiences – immediate influences, that which takes up most of our lives

Knight of Wands

Self confidence, courage, striving for ideals, strong & enterprising spirit. Focusing one’s willpower on high goals. Decisive, goal-oriented action.

Despite the above (probably very much internal and/or social) drama, my day-to-day life is going to be very much on the rails. Progress will be made.

4^th House – Home-place – family, land, roots

IX the Hermit

Contemplating what is essential, defining one’s position, seclusion, seriousness, retreat, getting to the bottom of things. Knowing oneself. Taking something seriously, being true to oneself instead of making lazy compromises.

For various reasons, I feel that it is best to interpret this not so much as “contemplation in isolation in the home” but “contemplation on isolation and the home”.

I need to spend some time trying to decide what is essential, and what it is exactly that I want.

5^th House – Fun / Pleasure – children, hobbies, lovers

Knight of Disks

Fitness, sobriety, perseverance, stable values, reliability, straightforwardness. Stable relationship, sensuality, mutual appreciation, trust. Encourages enjoying what has been achieved and using ones means in a responsible manner.

The Knight of Disks is a very strange card for “fun”. I’m not really sure where to go with this one.

6^th House – Work – illness, duty, routine

Prince of Cups

Tender, romantic man; seducer, charmer, warm personality, gushing enthusiasm. Successful connection between intuition and knowledge, social commitment, artistic activity, inner work. My card.

The Prince of Cups would make little sense in the 6^th House, outside of an office affair. Except that I am the Prince of Cups, and this tells me that the 6^th House – work, duty, routine – is really where I’m going to live under the sign of Capricorn.

7^th House – Partnership – associations, spouse

Prince of Disks

Energetic young man, prime mover, person with imperturbable staying power. Stability, intense sensual experiences, feeling secure.

Still more Court cards? Seriously, what the fuck?

Honestly, the impression I get here is “Yay, sex.”

8^th House – Taboo / Crisis – sex, death, taxes, loans

2 Wands “Dominion”

Eagerness to fight, courage, willingness to take risks, willpower, becoming inflamed about something, spontaneous assertion, violent forging ahead, inconsideration. Competition, professional challenge. Desire to make conquests. Warns against inconsiderate aggression and “hollow demonstrations of power”.

The Eighth House is always hard. What am I afraid of? What am I freaking out about? Or is this one of the cases where the 8^th House is about sex, death, taxes, and other people’s money?

2 Wands is also an interesting card. It’s all over the place, but this time I think it’s talking about taking risks.

Even that begs questions, though: Am I taking too many risks? Not enough? And I taking the wrong risks?

9^th House – Higher Perception – journey, movement

4 Cups “Luxury”

Reveling, enjoying life, emotional security, sense of security. “Recognition of the seed of decay that abundance bears within itself.” Encourages drawing on one’s resources and enjoying the moment.

This seems to indicate that, although things are in a constant state of flux, I am essentially on the right path.

10^th House – Recognition – career, ambition, status

XX the Aeon

Transformation, new beginning, hope, self-discovery, spiritual development. Steps showing the right direction, reorganization, being open to new methods of work, advanced education, bring a a new spirit to one’s working life. Encourages opening up to new developments.

Professionally, the coming weeks are very well-omened for me. I think the semester is going to start strong.

11^th House – Friendships – groups, social activities

3 Wands “Virtue”

Healthy basis, confidence, success, initiative, vitality. Becoming aware of one’s possibilities and developing confidence. Forming delicate bonds. Harmony.

Similarly, the auguries are very good for my social life over the rest of break and into the beginning of the next semester. If the problems in my first two houses are what I suspect they are, then this (along with the Princes of Disks and Cups) bode well for my ability to work through them.

12^th House – Secrets & Fears – hopes, ambitions

9 Wands “Strength”

Drawing on abundant resources, experiencing a flow of energy, anticipation, inspiration. Being inspired by the unconscious. Encourages brave actions in trust of one’s own intuition.

Of course I’m afraid of strength. The strength I have. The strength I need but don’t have. The strength I have and seek but will be best off if I never use.

+2 – Current Position / Outside Influences

Knight of Swords / Queen of Disks

Versatility, discernment, flexibility, intelligence, objectivity, too much emphasis on the rational mind, calculation; clever, eloquent, brilliant, goal-oriented man; experienced adviser.

Fertility, sense of security, sensuality, serenity, endurance; a mature experienced woman; being calm, trustworthy. (20 deg Sag to 20 deg Cap)

I think that I am this Knight of Swords. “Too much emphasis on the rational mind” is one of the big things that have been wrong with me lately.

The question is this: am I also the Queen of Disks? Or is she the people around me?

Underlying Theme

6 Cups “Pleasure”

Reawakening spirits, drawing from the depths, finding fulfillment, emotional recovery, well-being.

There’s a bit of mad drama going on here, but all is well. Or all will be well. I just have to have the strength to make it through.

Goals are hard for me sometimes.  Life is a journey, not a destination … right?  Of course it is.  But I’ve done enough meandering for now, and maybe it’s time to get my magic in order the same way I’ve been doing by shifting careers.

I’ve already mentioned a few goals as part of the “Begin at the Beginning” posts, but let’s get just a little more specific.

1) Rewrite my formal “Book of Shadows”.  The first versions were good.  They taught me a lot.  But in the process, they’ve also become irrelevant.  And maybe come up with a new name.  I’m getting far enough from Wicca that Book of Shadows seems … inappropriate.  This will be the ongoing process of a lifetime, of course, but it’s still occasionally useful to restart a manuscript from scratch.

2) Perfect a daily practice.  As above: this is the task of a life time, but concrete steps can be made more immediately.  I want to have a ritual plan for every day of the week by the time the semester begins.  I will be doing Yoga two mornings a week once the semester begins, so that’s Tuesday and Thursday.  I think I also want to go through my full Pentagram Rite two or three times a week—since doing it actually every day seems to be too much for me, at least at this stage in life.  Which leaves me with two or three days a week still in need of a ritual—probably Monday and Friday.

3) Complete my self-directed course of ceremonial study.  Although I’m comfortable with this pushing past the coming year, I want to make serious progress.  As above, I am trying to have a concrete plan by the time the semester resumes.

4) Re-establish my lunar rites, this time on a Dark-to-Dark lunar month rather than on a Full-to-Full.  Yet another ongoing task, but this one I have already made good progress on: performing Lunar rites for the first two nights of the Dark Moon.

5) Practical magic.  I’m a magician, damn it.  I’ve been bending the universe to my will for the last decade and a half.  Sure, my charmed life is partly mortal luck and partly white middle-class privilege, but too much has gone too well against odds too strongly against me.  I’ve been cultivating my web of influence for years, and it’s served me well … but it’s time for me to grow up and start making more sophisticated demands of the universe that “good friends, good times, and no starving to death under the bridge”. 

I’m starting small: reupping the existing wards on my car; making new car-protection talismans for myself, Aradia, and whomever we know that would like the third (for some reason I felt the need to make three); redesigning my house wards (to be implemented when I return to the Sunrise Temple).

6) Resume my explorations of the Underworld.  See previous post on that subject.  That process has begun as of this Dark Moon.  But that gets a post (or three) of it’s own, once I’ve had the chance to process.

There will be more goals, of course.  But these are where the radical transformations will begin.